And So, Goodbye, #Farage. We'll Miss You ...

As the Ukip Autumn Conference begins, Nigel Farage's tenure at the top of Ukip comes to a close.

And so, to celebrate some of his best moments and greatest achievements, we present:


Thank you, Nigel, for allowing one generous and selfless multi-millionaire to own and dictate the direction of an entire political party. It's how it should be.

Thank you, Nigel, for all the crazy conspiracy theories you fed to a willing press. We particularly enjoyed the one about the 'assassination attempt'.
Thank you, Nigel, for giving people who were previously ignored a real voice. Most people don't understand, but bigots are people too, you know. And look how many voted for you!

Thank you, Nigel, for not allowing your massive ego to disrupt and interfere debate on the EU Referendum, and accepting so gracefully when Ukip were excluded from the official 'Leave' Campaign.
Thank you, Nigel, for steering Ukip towards being the most financial stable Party in the UK and demonstrating your clear abilities with economic soundness.

Thank you, Nigel, for ensuring your Party was funded by decent, upright people with the right motives, and not, say, tax-dodging, scare-mongering, misogynistic porn barons.
Thank you, Nigel, for being reasonably sober at least 40% of the time. A tricky thing to achieve after 3.00pm, but you often managed it. When it was required, you stood unaided.

Thank you, Nigel, for allowing your best and brightest to have a voice, and not silencing them just because they disagreed with you, or because they might be becoming a threat to your leadership.
Thank you, Nigel, for being a real 'man of the people' and not abusing your expenses and allowances by, for example, drinking several £100 bottles of wine at a single sitting.

Thank you, Nigel, for all your unstinting hard work on behalf of our British Fishing Industry. It's really made all the difference, and it lent weight to your words when you spoke on this subject.
Thank you, Nigel, for not forgetting your previous paramours, and making sure they all had a nice high paid, easy job in the Party, even if they had to be secretly employed under a changed name.

Thank you, Nigel, for ensuring that vetted Candidates were free of a documented history of lies and corruption, and not, say, fraudsters and cheats, personally selected by you and parachuted in to guaranteed jobs.
Thank you, Nigel, for supplying such detail and clarity on an 'Australian-Style Immigration System' that your members supported without even knowing what it entailed.

Thank you, Nigel, for making such good Right Wing friends in the European Union, especially people like this.

(Korwin wants you to keep in touch!)
Thank you, Nigel, for having the tenacity to insist on being the laziest British MEP in the entire European Union, ever. You always said you'd make history, and you did!

Thank you, Nigel, for taking on the entire control of the party yourself, and for being diligent enough to ensure that other senior officials in your Party had no such tiresome burdens of decision making.
Thank you, Nigel, for your regular, wonderful and accurate election predictions. You kept us on the right track, constantly.

Thank you, Nigel, for ensuring that your Party's source of emergency funding when bankruptcy loomed, was kept a complete secret.

(Vlad says hi!)
Thank you, Nigel, for the beautiful comedy of those three wonderful Resign-Unresign days, when your "I'm a man of my word" motto was sorely tested.

Thank you, Nigel, for doing your patriotic duty, as we surely all do, in fully paying your taxes at all times, and never short-changing the British Public.
Thank you, Nigel, for being so proud to be the "only Politician keeping the dream of Thatcher alive.". She's smiling down at you, right now.

Thank you, Nigel, for your definitive explanations for things like traffic delays. We always wondered about these things, your wisdom elucidated us.
Thank you, Nigel, for your sartorial elegance at all times, especially that jacket and those wonderful yellow trousers. We're all wearing them now, all the time!

Thank you, Nigel, for allowing documented racists to have a second chance in politics, and for protecting them at all times from investigation. There's loads of us in Ukip now, safe and sound!
Thank you, Nigel, for freeing us from the European Union. Well ... we didn't really need an economy, anyway, did we?

Thank you, Nigel, for creating a Party Gender Policy that reflected our true, proper, 1950s views. Now, in Ukip, women know their rightful place.
Thank you, Nigel, for always taking the blame when things don't quite go as planned. We know it was never your fault, it was always other people's. We knew.

Thank you, Nigel, for always refusing to incite violence, and for uniting all peoples of our Nation, and not dividing us in any way. At all. Uh-uh. Not us. Never.
Thank you, Nigel, for bringing into the Party a Tory Politician with a nice safe seat, and then spending most of your time demolishing his stature, such as it was. You really know how to unite a Party.

But most of all ... Thank you, Nigel, for your countless electoral successes, at all times. You were a WINNER!


Actually, we won't miss you, at all. We won't miss your lies, your scheming, your hate and your avarice. Enjoy your massive EU salary and your allowances that you do nothing for. Your followers were fooled by your 'man in the street' act but no-one else has ever been. Politics is substantially better off for you departing the stage.