The Complete Illustrated History of Brexit Trade Talks

This, from @RussInCheshire on Twitter, a work of art.

[Original is here]




UK: We don’t like our deal.

EU: Why not?

UK: We only get 95% of what we want.

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That's how negotiating goes.

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of.

EU: But you signed a deal.

UK: Don't care, we hate you.

EU: Bit rude.

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you.

EU: And how is Nigel?

UK: Not happy.

EU: Why not?

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal.

EU: Wait, what?

UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want.

EU: Er ... suits us!

UK: Wait, what?

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win.

EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less.

UK: That’s right.

EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%

UK: Woah, hold on ...

EU: ... and you have nothing.

UK: But ... Dom didn't superpredict you'd say that!

EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn.

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?

UK: Welp!

EU: So we’ll just sit this one out.

UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US.


USA: Yo suckers.

UK: Hello, USA, we are here to get a lovely big trade deal.

USA: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you ave now.

UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship.

USA: Bye.

UK: What?

USA: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye.

UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!

USA: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy.

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us.

USA: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India.


UK: Hi India, remember us?

India: Oh fuck, these guys again.

UK: We want a trade deal.

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK.

UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist.

India: That is brand new information!!

UK: So can we have a deal?

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue.

UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia ... basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.

UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?

India: Ha ha ha ha ha.

UK: What did we say?

India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro.

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU.

India: And how did that work out?

UK: Erm ... 

India: Try Brazil.

UK: Hi Brazil.

Brasil: We ArE oN FiRe!!

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?

Brasil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?

Brasil: I aM So DrUnK!!

UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand ...


UK: Hi, New Zealand

New Zealand: Hi, Crazy Uncle.

UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb.

New Zealand: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?

UK: Yes.

New Zealand: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll piss themselves.

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?

Australia: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?

UK: We've already got them.

Australia: That was easy! So what can you trade?

UK: We can send you some racists.

Australia: I think we're sorted. Try Russia.


UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you'd love to own.

Russia: We already own them.

UK: You don't own Boris.

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match.

UK: We really need a trade deal.

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China.


UK: Can we please have a trade deal?

China: And you are...?

UK: We’re Great Britain.

China: Great, you say?

UK: Well ... once.

China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?

UK: United Kingdom.

China: United, you say?

UK: Alright, smart arse.

China: So you want a trade deal?

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law.

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?

UK: We broke international law.

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?

UK: We're very tired.

China: Why did you leave the EU?

UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do.

China: What do you want?

UK: A deal.

China: With who?

UK: Foreigners.

China: And why can’t you get one?

UK: Cos we don’t know what to do.

China: Were you dropped as a child?

UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status.

China: You’ve got one.

UK: No we haven’t.

China: Yes you have.

UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?

UK: Finally, a deal!

China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit.

UK: So, what do you suggest?

China: Aw, mate. You already know ... 


EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before.

EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!

UK: We hate you.